I love Amsterdam.

Amsterdam tips for tourists in Europe

Haters can make their ignorant assumptions as to why people like to go there, but in reality it’s one of the most unique and beautiful cities in northern Europe.

The bike culture is so cool, and the tall dutch homes with dramatically steep gables are enchanting… I get a bit defensive when people talk about their inaccurate perceptions of Amsterdam. It has so much more to offer than red lights and smoky coffeeshops. But I’ll concede, it’s definitely packed full of

SOME OF THE WORST TOURISTS IN THE WORLD.

If you’re visiting Amsterdam for the first time, it’s really easy to become “that guy.” You might get caught up in the excitement, distracted by the infamous attractions of this liberal city, that you forget this is actually a real place, not just a giant fairytale land.

Amsterdam tips for travelers in Europe - don't be the worst tourist

When someone asks me about Amsterdam, I gently suggest they take appropriate precautions as to not be a total jackass while visiting the “Venice of the North”.

Amsterdam tips for travelers in Europe - don't be the worst touris

But for all the ignorant tourists out there, who don’t care about enjoying stunning architecture or having a unique cultural experience, here’s an Amsterdam checklist on how to make the most of your time in ‘Dam.

  1. Walk aimlessly
    Everyone LOVES slow walkers!! And I promise, you definitely won’t get hit by a tram, car, biker, motor scooter, or any combination of those 4 things while you’re not paying attention to where you are walking.
  2. Taunt the Red Light District workers
    Amsterdam is basically Disneyland for adults, so these ladies are just theme park characters, right? Prostitution is a legitimate, regulated business in Amsterdam – but don’t worry, you’re in ‘Dam, so being disrespectful isn’t a total scum bag move.
  3. Assume coffeeshops are a free-for-all
    It’s a great idea to act like an animal, because LEGAL MARIJUANA!!!
  4. Skip all the Museums and Art stuff
    Just spend all your time in aforementioned coffeeshops. Girl Scout Cookies and Blue Dreams will really contribute to growing your cultural awareness – far more than museums like Anne Frank House, Van Gogh Museum, and Rijksmuseum.
  5. Waste your money
    Buy as many KFC Big Box Meals, Bob Marley souvenirs, and Heineken pints as you possibly can. And even though Amsterdam is extremely walkable, bikeable, or conveniently accessed by tram, make sure to take a taxi everywhere. Better yet, definitely download Uber because relying on internet connection to get everywhere is normal these days.
  6. Wear marijuana leaf hats, socks, and t-shirts at all times
    It’s really important to announce to everyone around you that you are in Amsterdam for one reason and one reason only. If you aren’t broadcasting your enthusiasm for legal marijuana, how will anyone know how cool you are?????

 

*if you are not fluently versed in sarcasm, please look out for my real guide to “How to not be a Jackass in Amsterdam” coming soon.*